Lately I've not had much interest in writing here. In fact, I've had a hard time giving any attention at all to what's going on in the world. I scroll through social media and see that the insanity of this world has been given a megaphone. I go out and see heartbroken people carrying on with dim awareness. I sometimes feel afraid and alone, wondering if there is really a place for me here. I wonder how many people want to hear a message about truth, beauty, and timelessness. I wonder if I'll be forced to choose between revealing my heart, and keeping my friends.
I don't know if any of this is based on reality, or simply my distorted interpretation. For now, I'll spare myself (and you) that analysis. What I do know is that it feels damn good to cocoon. To withdraw, find a little hiding spot where I can be safe and left alone while my insides liquify. I've been writing about this on and off since I started blogging last September. I kept thinking that I was just about through and ready to open up and spread my wings, etc etc. But my perspective is starting to shift now. This isn't a temporary or one time process. This is our lot in life. As long as I'm wrapped up in forms, that is, body, concepts, identity, opinion, desire, passion, I'll have to cycle.
Transformation is less of a choice and more of an inevitable result in this world. We've transformed from a few embryonic cells into comparatively gigantic organisms. And how many transformations have we gone through along the way? From then, the first steps of our organic life, to now, grown beings with whatever purpose we've ascribed ourselves. And how many times has our reason for living changed? How many times have we cast out our old shells in favor of new ones?
Even while I go through this process myself, I grow tired. Then I get excited about what I'm becoming. Then I get tired again of all the shifting and the transience of form. The tiredness is acutely felt when I run out of favor and have to face some hardship. But I'm here, and I've already decided to see this life through to its completion. Tired or energized, I'm committed to living into my fullness.
Transformation, cycling, and fluctuation have become my pathway to greater realization. The relationships, the roles, the feelings. These are all forms that shift and change. But what is it in me that witnesses all of this? I need to know who I am at the most essential level. Because that is me beyond all forms. Beyond all shifting and cycling and changing, I'm here. So I go through these cycles. I transform again and again. And each time, I learn something more about myself. What is here that doesn't change? Who am I that witnesses my own transformation? A most challenging inquiry, with a reward I've not found any other place. To know myself in the deepest and most intimate way. To know that I exist, even as parts of me liquify into an unrecognizable soup of what was. I'm still here. I'm still alive, witnessing.