As I wander intentionally down the path of self-awareness and inner exploration, I continue to find these wedged in beliefs or patterns stuck as though to the side of a gooey cave of flesh and mucous. Like a parasitic guest who lives only by my not noticing that it is there. Because when I become aware of its presence, I start to take steps to root it out.
Lately I've heard the word congruence a lot. It's often held up as a magic bullet- if I can just live congruently, everything will fall in place because I will be aligned with my true values and desires. This might be true. But from where I'm sitting now, congruence seems more like a "what" than a "how". It's not the path, it's the result of me working my ass off. To be congruent is to have already met and faced down all the lies I tell myself, big and small, about why I don't matter.
Whenever I've done something that was not in my best interest, like selling myself short, doubting my value, acting irresponsibly with my resources, being inconsiderate or hurtful towards others, engaging in behaviors that are harmful to my own physical well-being- all of this is the result of me lying to myself in an often unconscious way. I've split myself off from my communities and, strangely, from myself too. These wedged in beliefs create inner divisions by which I attempt to exile a part of myself.
The thin strip of belief that seems to hold together a complex network of untruths and harmful behavior sounds something like, "I don't care". This is the biggest lie I've ever told myself because all other dishonesties seem to be built on it. If I don't care about myself, I can do things that are harmful to my own health like binge eating, smoking, staying on the couch for long periods of lethargy. And yet, even in these activities is evidence of my care. I'm pleasure seeking as a way of taking care of myself. It's tragic and wonderful at the same time. I act in ways that may not ultimately serve me in an attempt to take care of myself.
"I don't care" is the biggest lie I've ever told myself because in reality I care so much about so much that it's actually frightening. I care about all of you. I care about the well-being of this planet and all the animals and plant life. I care so much that I get scared thinking about how awful of a job humans are doing at taking care of this beauteous place and each other. I get scared because I know I have to do something about it.
So maybe congruence is waiting for me to climb down from my insanity and put my back into it and start making some shit happen. Maybe because I'm someone who cares big, I have to act, think, and vision big. Either way, I've stopped believing the now obvious lie that I don't care. Even though it might leave me exposed because if people know what I care about, they can try to use it against me. But I care about those people too, so perhaps I can teach them something in how I respond.